Sunday, May 26, 2013

Saying Goodbye And Embracing Myself

(Note: I am not sure if you are gonna be able to understand whatever i am about to put out, so go ahead at your own risk)

I have a lot of emotions running through my head right now. Ecstasy of leaving this place, once and for all. And sadness of the endless efforts i made to like this place, to fit in, to be accepted, to feel like a belong here. No, i am not talking about hostel or any other rented place. What place am i talking about? I'll leave it to you to guess or we can just let it be a mystery.

Everything i have been doing since yesterday was just a part of my attempts to say goodbye, to every memory associated with this place, to everything that belongs in this house, to everyone who matters or who cares, to everyone who matters but doesn't care, to everyone who is always going to be in the back of my head, but it was time, time to leave it all behind.

I looked at my stuff, picked up my necessary documents, left some books behind, left some clothes on the shelf. 4 years ago, when i went to hostel, i took with me all the photographs we had, as i wanted to keep some memories with me. I always kept them close to my heart. I was always hopeful. Those photographs were in a bag. And i used to take a quick look and let some tears fall down, in the hope that someday these pictures wouldn't really matter, i'll have stronger memories engraved in my heart. Well, i do have stronger emotions, but there are no memories that i wanna keep. The only ones i can't erase, are the ones engraved so hard, that they haunt my days, i wanna leave them, but they are like the inscriptions on my death-stone.
Now, that i am looking at that bag, i don't wanna take it with me now. I am hopeful, but not about the same things. Back then, i was hopeful that its all gonna be fine. Now i am hopeful, that i'll be fine.

I've set out with nothing but my life on the line. My survival, my freedom, my wishes, dreams, spirit, my everything on the line, cuz thats all that i've got with me.

An year ago, about this time, like this time, i had two choices:
1. the right thing, the comfortable, easy-going, the appropriate mature thing to do, secure, safe
2. the naive choice, the difficult one, hard life, full of risks, immature, the in-appropriate thing to do

This time, i am gonna do the wrong thing. Happily. Never to regret. Because, there was nothing i regretted more than picking the former of the two options, an year ago.

I look at everything, like its the last time, and i know it is. I know that every comfort of the world i could have had for the rest of my life, if i was unlike me. I could have all the love and pleasures, and life would be easy, if i could just be the puppet. And surprisingly many people manage to be that. But not me.

I am not the bird meant for the cage. I was always the bird flying up in the sky, ready to take it as it comes, come what may, ready to die, with a smile, living till the end. I wasn't meant for the predictable, safe, secure, monotonous life of that pretty little prison that i was perhaps expected to live in. I wasn't meant for being safe. But however bad it may look to those comfort loving people, i am happiest on the inside, i know i have that stubbornness in me to struggle through everything. And i know i'll keep trying, i'll die trying, but i'll never give up on living. I will stumble and i'll cry. I'll fall apart, and be nearly dying, but i'll never look back and regret. With my life on stake, i'll make it through, may be,

"Not immediately, but definitely."

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