Monday, December 23, 2013

Magic Beans


It has been such a long time since i last felt like writing about something. Well, what can i say, life's been a bit of emotional roller coaster lately. I can't blame anyone, that's just how i am. Sometimes everything seems so tough, and nothing seems to work out, and everything around you begins to fall apart. Its like a rough and tough wave that seems to be tossing you here and there, and you fight with all your strength to be in control, but you can't and then, you just stop fighting and let your arms loose, flowing with the wave, up and down, to and fro, and you ride with the wave, easy, swift, smooth. Suddenly, it doesn't seem so difficult.

One of the days in past 2 weeks or more, i found myself asking if i am going to be fine. If i am just not making a huge mistake. If i am fit for surviving on my own out there. Well, why won't i be scared, i dream of being a bachelorette for the rest of my life. Well, it may seem stupid, but well, being born in India, it is a big deal, not getting married, working, single, and being a woman, of course. Nonetheless, i never felt like i was made for kitchen. Well, i always found it difficult to draw that line between a man and woman's responsibilities. I always felt like it should be a personal choice, not gender based. Marriage is so not my cup of tea. A husband, ummm no, please. I do want to have 2 girls though, adopt 'em perhaps, and a pet dog, and a guinea pig, and a tortoise too :D . Lol. Well yeah, i think about stuff like that, occasionally. But sometimes, this seems impossible. Not the kids, i mean, lol, just the part where i can be that woman who can keep up with this all and have a happy family and a bright smile on her face. And you know, be the kind of daughter who livens up the house, the kind of mother who can be friends at all times, have time for friends and still be able to work, and have the energy to nourish a happy and healthy family. That woman.

I wonder if i am ever going to be able to live up to my expectations as a web designer or artist. If a few years from now, i'll be actually standing in the place i look up to. I have a dream now. And it's not just career, and not just family. I wonder if i'll ever be able to strike a balance between the two and live it. If i'll be able to look back and think, 'I finally made it'.

Then something happened what could only remind me of that episode (S1E04) in friends when,

Though as confused as i was, and as stupid as i still feel for worrying about those things, i just looked at them as they smiled at me, and i could hear it in my head, softly, i told myself, "I am going to be just fine.."