Saying Goodbye And Embracing Myself

(Note: I am not sure if you are gonna be able to understand whatever i am about to put out, so go ahead at your own risk)

I have a lot of emotions running through my head right now. Ecstasy of leaving this place, once and for all. And sadness of the endless efforts i made to like this place, to fit in, to be accepted, to feel like a belong here. No, i am not talking about hostel or any other rented place. What place am i talking about? I'll leave it to you to guess or we can just let it be a mystery.

Everything i have been doing since yesterday was just a part of my attempts to say goodbye, to every memory associated with this place, to everything that belongs in this house, to everyone who matters or who cares, to everyone who matters but doesn't care, to everyone who is always going to be in the back of my head, but it was time, time to leave it all behind.

I looked at my stuff, picked up my necessary documents, left some books behind, left some clothes on the shelf. 4 years ago, when i went to hostel, i took with me all the photographs we had, as i wanted to keep some memories with me. I always kept them close to my heart. I was always hopeful. Those photographs were in a bag. And i used to take a quick look and let some tears fall down, in the hope that someday these pictures wouldn't really matter, i'll have stronger memories engraved in my heart. Well, i do have stronger emotions, but there are no memories that i wanna keep. The only ones i can't erase, are the ones engraved so hard, that they haunt my days, i wanna leave them, but they are like the inscriptions on my death-stone.

Now, that i am looking at that bag, i don't wanna take it with me now. I am hopeful, but not about the same things. Back then, i was hopeful that its all gonna be fine. Now i am hopeful, that i'll be fine.

I've set out with nothing but my life on the line. My survival, my freedom, my wishes, dreams, spirit, my everything on the line, cuz thats all that i've got with me.

An year ago, about this time, like this time, i had two choices:

1. the right thing, the comfortable, easy-going, the appropriate mature thing to do, secure, safe

2. the naive choice, the difficult one, hard life, full of risks, immature, the in-appropriate thing to do

This time, i am gonna do the wrong thing. Happily. Never to regret. Because, there was nothing i regretted more than picking the former of the two options, an year ago.

I look at everything, like its the last time, and i know it is. I know that every comfort of the world i could have had for the rest of my life, if i was unlike me. I could have all the love and pleasures, and life would be easy, if i could just be the puppet. And surprisingly many people manage to be that. But not me.

I am not the bird meant for the cage. I was always the bird flying up in the sky, ready to take it as it comes, come what may, ready to die, with a smile, living till the end. I wasn't meant for the predictable, safe, secure, monotonous life of that pretty little prison that i was perhaps expected to live in. I wasn't meant for being safe. But however bad it may look to those comfort loving people, i am happiest on the inside, i know i have that stubbornness in me to struggle through everything. And i know i'll keep trying, i'll die trying, but i'll never give up on living. I will stumble and i'll cry. I'll fall apart, and be nearly dying, but i'll never look back and regret. With my life on stake, i'll make it through, may be,

"Not immediately, but definitely."

Know where to go

(Originally written on August 22, 2011)

A Sequel to 'Nowhere to go'

Why she said that?, of course i do know,

I know where i belong, I know where to go..

I just met her, this time, swinging back and forth, 

Vacillating, and troubled, what is with us both..??

She was the same girl, i met her an year ago,

In that park, lonely bench, had 'nowhere to go'..

In a little time she settled, and let a heavy sigh out,

I wanted to ask her what that swnging was all about,

But the look on her face told me not to try,

And before i could dare, she asked me 'Why?',

"I lost what was mine, Among the two, i had to choose one, 

I picked,  what was right, mine, just to say, now i have none,"

"I am back to that point, and i have been wondering all along,

Why am i back to nothing, plese tell me, Where did i go wrong"

"I dunno, What can i say", i said, "We've just met once before"..

"Met just once", she  murmured, "Are you certain, are you sure?"

But then, she smiled, with a deep cunning understanding,

and she looked up towards me, her piercing smile expanding,

She stood up to leave and waved me goobye,

With Sad, disappointed eyes, she passed me by,

"You understand me, admit it, you do, i know,

You've seen it, You can feel my pain, and so,

It sounds exactly like it is... though you try not to show...

Always So lonely in your heart...

you have nowhere to go.. :) "

Tears won't flow tonight

I am not feeling sleepy at all. It has kinda become the routine these days. I never thought i'd be riding the waves i am surfing right now. One good friend of mine once remarked my life as being "roller-coaster", for whatever reasons, though.

From past 2 months every time i go to bed, some sort of nostalgia takes over my head, and i start feeling numb, expressionless. As i rest my head on my pillow, waiting for me to feel drowsy, i can't help but let a few tears flowing through my eyes fall. A lot has changed in the past 2-3 months. Well some may say my tears are my weakness. I say its not. Its just how i know how to express. My tears are masters of their own will. Won't listen to me. And i don't try to control them either. Cuz i am not ashamed of crying, letting my tears fall, showing my emotions. But that does not make me weak in any possible way. People kept telling me that i am weak cuz i cry easily. Well, buddy, there's a difference between crying out loud and letting your tears flow. You see, i don't cry, i just let my tears flow. No one ever gave a logical explanation of how crying makes you any weaker than you are. Be it a girl, or be it a guy. 

For me its just a reminder that i am still alive, i still feel, that i am fighting for something. It reminds me that with every drop that falls out of my eye, i endure more, i learn more, i grow more. I grow to be a more understanding, sympathetic, compassionate person. I will love more, cuz its the absence of love in one or another form that makes tears fall out of my eyes. I will be the reason someone's tears won't want to fall out  anymore. It makes me a better person than i was yesterday. It enable me to look at someone else's watery eyes and see a reflection of my own self, in one and all, irrespective of who they are.

Tonight, tears are not flowing out of my eyes. Tonight, i just don't feel like letting my tears out. No, its not because i am tired, its more because my eyes need rest, they're hurting.

Suddenly tonight, i dont give rat's a** about anything. I just want to write and write and keep writing. I want to keep listening to instrumental piano music while i pen down everything in my heart. But it still ain't gonna be enough. So what, like i care.. ;) I am just gonna write anyway. 

I may seem like a sad person to you. But i really am not. I am way different than i seem these days. Sometimes i feel like i need to rediscover me, like i lost me somewhere on this way. Trust me, once upon a time, a few mistakes ago, i used to be fun. I used to be carefree, changing everyday, dynamic, enthusiastic, zestful, uncertain, clueless, focused, falling and getting up, stumbling, struggling with myself, never still, always chasing after something or other, running wild, and laughing like crazy.

"I used to be Different."

I lost my consciousness, and after that..

I opened my eyes to find myself, in the middle of nowhere. Shocked, i was.

I screamed, I shouted, with every ounce of strength in me and only uttered water bubbles. I tried to grab something with my hands, and caught only water. I tried to find a ground beneath me feet, tried to reach to something by stretching my toes, only to panic more. I was in the midst of nothing but water. Light as heaven, up above and dark deep down below me.

I moved in every way possible to come to the surface, just once. I made random strokes, trying to preserve what was left of my breath and reach the surface. I was running out of breath and my movement wasn't helping much. I ran out of breath and began gulping a bit of water and out of panic i moved my hands and legs, i felt like i was climbing on the top of various water layers, that i am almost there. And my hand felt the air. My face will come out too. And it did. I rushed. I had to breathe all that i can. this was the only chance. But I breathed nothing but water. The sunlight was making the water above my head shine like angelic glows from heaven. It was shining, it was bright, it was hope. And below my feet was the dark, unknown, unpredictable, bottomless, never-ending, yet somehow peaceful, the 'end', which seemed to have no end at all.

And i began sinking again. My legs felt weaker, arms tired, chest aching, mind helpless. The shiny water surface began disappearing. Nothing but darkness below me. I began sinking. Beneath my feet was ascending darkness. So dark, i can't even say if there was water down there, or some land, or some soft grass, or some more deep dark valleys. I have to try again. I don't have any other choice. I gathered all focus, tried not to think about what's down there. Up there, is where i have to go, i thought. I put my tiredness aside, and tried pushing water down with my hands, with my legs, as much as i could remember about swimming. But it was nothing like swimming in a 7 ft. deep pool. "how bad it can be to give up, to drown, to not try anymore, just let go, to gulp some water and die, death is peaceful", these thoughts kept filling my mind as my body ached trying to push against water above me. After resolve-breaking efforts, i made it to the surface, for a heartbeat. And i was too tired to breathe in that one brief moment.

"Lets give up now", my mind told me. I kinda wanted to. "but if i give up now, i'll never have another chance to try again. Even if for a moment i give up, and lay back, i'll not be able to make it to the top, out of these waters, ever." So i didn't waste any time in deciding that. I decided to keep trying unless i make it through, that i am never ever giving up. I can't. Giving up is not an option. "Give up, eh? Huh, over my dead body" And you know one of those moments when your body doesn't have the strength but your resolve alone gives you the real physical strength to try beyond your threshold. And I gave my all. I felt the energy. I felt the motivation. I didn't think about letting go. Not even once. I just kept trying. Struggling my way through the water that was heavily pushing me down. Stroked water in every way possible. My eyes set to the shining light up above. I didn't look down. Eyes fixed on the target, "this has to be it", i kept telling myself. I reached to the top. And that moment when i got to the top, "what for? to sink again?", i realized. I was too tried to have pushed myself to limits, that i didn't wanna breathe anymore.

The journey to the end began. My lungs were aching, filled with water. Legs and arms too tired to feel even pain. I didn't want to reach to the top anymore. I wasn't thinking. I stopped convincing myself. I just stopped. I didn't tell myself to "sink" but i didn't tell myself to "try" either. I just half-spread my arms and legs and rested in the laps of the ocean. My eyes were beginning to close. I could see the dim shine. Getting dull. May be it was me sinking or may be it was me loosing my head, or may be it was my eyes closing. But darkness closed in on me. I could feel the water beneath me, felt like i was the water itself, moving, waving, like a leaf falls riding atop the breeze. You know the moment, when sometimes you are so tired from the day, you work all day and are dying for a bed to relax, and then you come home and you just let loose of yourself, and just fall on that comfy bed. It was better than that. The waves were all i could feel. Passing me by. Taking me with them. As if i met an old friend who just took me by my hand and pulled me with him. And I felt my lips curl into a satisfactory smile. I just put my hands into that friend of mine and flew away. I was prepared to embrace the end, with a smile.

Here, look, I made it to the top. I finally did it. I don't know how, but i did. Though something's missing. It seems like i left something at the bottom of the ocean. My head's still buried in water, my body's floating. I face towards the bottomless depths. What is it there that i am still hung upon, what is it that's weird about me. Did i just close my eyes...? Forever..? Did i literally loose myself..?? Or is it just a nightmare..?? Did i loose myself to just come up to the surface. "Not like this", my eyes whispered.

"And I still lie asleep, at the bottom of the ocean."

"Do i dare to wish?"

We were sitting besides some unknown waters, surrounded by strange emotions and familiar strangers..
I couldn't get this sentence out of my head. The ferocity and loud heart throbbing pauses in this one sentence left a deep mark in the memory of my head.

"I am scared to wish now, wish anything" she said with a deep voice.. And after a long pause and numerous tears already flown by, after a deep sigh and sad eyes that were buried in the earth found their way to my face,, "I am not sure if i'll be able to pay the price" as i bore the piercing pain those eyes were demonstrating.

....(Incomplete)....